Quotes about Humor

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"

Grandmas don't just say "that's nice" — they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money's worth out of grandmas.

Traveler: "God has been mighty good to your fields, Mr. Farmer." Farmer: "You should have seen how he treated them when I wasn't around."

I don't do alcohol anymore — I get the same effect just standing up fast.

You know you live in Phoenix when you've experienced condensation on your butt cheeks from the hot water evaporating in the toilet bowl.

Snaughling: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.

This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.

Gray hair is a blessing - ask any bald man.

Tyrannosaurus drives. Tyrannosaurus texts. Tyrannosaurus rex.

Families are like fudge — mostly sweet with a few nuts.

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.

Oh my God, they killed Kenny!