Quotes from Mark Twain

Say, do we kill the women too? Well, Ben Rogers, if I was as ignorant as you I wouldn't let on. Kill the women? No; nobody ever saw anything in the books like that. You fetch them to the cave, and you're always as polite as pie to them; and by and by they fall in love with you, and never want to go home anymore.

If you are of any account, stay at home and make your way by faithful diligence; but if you are "no account," go away from home, and then you will have to work, whether you want to or not. Thus you become a blessing to your friends by ceasing to be a nuisance to them

I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

Oh, hold on; there's plenty of pain here—but it don't kill.  There's plenty of suffering here, but it don't last.  You see, happiness ain't a thing in itself—it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant.  That's all it is.  There ain't a thing you can mention that is happiness in its own self—it's only so by contrast with the other thing.  And

If I be not in a state of Grace, I pray God place me in it; if I be in it, I pray God keep me so.

The billiard table is better than the doctor.

What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so

The Mormon Bible is rather stupid and tiresome to read, but there is nothing vicious in its teachings. Its code of morals is unobjectionable- -it is smouched [Milton] from the New Testament and no credit given.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you in trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

The pitifulest thing out is a mob; that's what an army is—a mob; they don't fight with courage that's born in them, but with courage that's borrowed from their mass, and from their officers.

After much reflection—suppose it was a lie? What then? Was it such a great matter? Aren't we always acting lies? Then why not tell them?

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born an the day you find out why.