Quotes from Stephen Colbert

A study found exercise may be bad for your health. Which means I'm not fat, I'm just morbidly over-healthed.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Equations are the devil's sentences.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

I'm the frosting on America's cake, and tonight I'm willing to let you lick the bowl.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.

No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.

I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those.