Quotes from Stephen Colbert

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic. So go crazy with the rules?the time your child spends trying to figure them out is time he won't be stapling firecrackers to the neighbor's dog.

Maybe he'll be different from who he was and always is.

In my experience, you will truly serve only what you love because service is love made visible. If you love your friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money and, if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself and you will have only yourself. So no winning. Instead, try to love others and serve others and hopefully find others that love and serve you in return.

The message of Christ isn't that you can't kill me. The message of Christ is you can kill me and that's not death.

Ohio has produced 23 astronauts. Tell me, what is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about.

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

Love means never having to say you're sorry. That's why I never apologize to my mirror.

I look, absolutely, like I'm going to sell you insurance.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.