Quotes from Stephen Colbert

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

That's what's great about America: that our freedom of religion allows me to interpret the Bible exactly how it fits my worldview already.

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species through intimidation. That's why the single most important thing you can do as a human is to dominate an animal. Need more proof? "Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." I'd say that about covers it.

If you're saying farewell to your arms, what do you use to wave goodbye?

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop "liberating" moms by trying to make them join the workforce. They're already doing the job that God put them here to do: Everything.

But children are our future!' Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don't understand why we're helping them. You don't see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.