Quotes from Stephen Colbert

I have a morality. I don't know if it's the best morality. And I do like thinking. If people perceive that as a moral intellectualism, that's fine. That's up to them to decide.

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.

I believed in global warming after Al Gore's movie made money; the market had spoken.

A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren't. A messy house sends a coded message to children: "I'm not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.

Maybe he'll be different from who he was and always is.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

I don't know a lot about politics. I like talking about human behavior. Politicians are funny to me because they often say one thing and behave a different way.

Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.

With Late Night Show I can begin the search for the real Stephen Colbert.I just hope I don't find him on Ashley Madison.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There's a lot of supposed tween comedy on TV that isn't particularly funny, but it's got a lot of laugh track. And I go, 'Please don't watch that. Please just watch something that's actually funny.'